The Viciousness of the Insecure
A recent encounter with a proficient gaslighter
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They say, “hurt people, hurt people.” This remains a universal truth. In my healing journey, I have gradually freed myself from trauma bonds and toxic relationships, platonic and romantic. Still, nothing makes one immune to strangers who cross one’s path unannounced and unexpectedly.
Unfortunately, unvetted people enter our lives and wreak tremendous damage before we recognize what happened. This is not so different from a victim of a crime who happens to be at the wrong place and time. No matter how prepared one is, there is not much one can do to avoid unforeseen circumstances with unhealthy or toxic people.
Last night was one of those unfortunate moments. I was having dinner with a friend at a local tavern and had struck up a conversation with a lovely group of people at the table next to us. The evening was coming to an end, and the venue was closing.
A lady approached us. After chatting for a moment, she sat in an empty seat beside us. She seemed friendly enough, perhaps a little tipsy. When I discovered we were in similar fields, I asked her some questions. Her friendliness immediately disappeared. Whether alcohol impaired her judgment, reducing her inhibitions and amplifying her negative emotions, an underlying insecurity was exposed, and it affected her reality and my experience.
While alcohol may disinhibit people, it exposes true feelings and repressed thoughts. These feelings and thoughts are real for that person in that moment. A light-hearted question somehow triggered this individual, even if she was already predisposed. In her retort, she told me I was wasting my time and was out of my league regarding something that I was not very dedicated to in the first place.
At first, I was confused, and then I sensed that she was threatened by the fact that I had changed careers and was now doing something similar to her. The world is a big place. I’m not in competition with people in the greater media space, but she didn’t stop. She continued to harangue and demean. My confusion turned to annoyance. The much younger and former me would have been triggered and become belligerent.
But I returned to talking to the people on the other side of me without much thought. I’m less sensitized to criticism than I once was, but the experience was nonetheless unsettling.
My friend had left to go to the restroom. When he returned, he continued conversing with her. It wasn’t until we left the venue that I realized she had fabricated part of our conversation. She told me one thing and told him another. Her triangulation was not enough to challenge our friendship. At worst, he realized he shouldn’t have paid for her drink. That was the most significant cost he incurred.
But for me, what was fateful and most significant was what she said to the other party. She suddenly insinuated that I was trying to drum up business with them, the way “I had with her,” announcing this to all of us seated. While the allegations were untrue on both accounts, as one of the individuals from the party explained in my defense, the damage was done.
She was an effective gaslighter. In 10 minutes, she sowed doubt among people who had just met a few hours before, changing the course of a lovely evening among new acquaintances and putting potential friendships on a different trajectory.
This vicious behavior happens daily in organizations, families, and social settings. What can we do about it? My colleague,
, the Narcissism Hacker, and I have extensively explored this subject of mitigating bad behavior from unscrupulous people. We have role-played for audiences using Karman’s Drama Triangle as a guide to model our behavior and disengage. We have co-authored contributions to this platform on the topic of bullying.Last night reminded me of how hard it can be to protect oneself from an unassuming perpetrator for whom I had no history. She had well-honed tactics of those who often exhibit dark personality traits or at least unsavory behavior. Gaslighters exist in all spaces and, unfortunately, cause real damage to society.
Disengagement is the best strategy. Grey rocking is often recommended. But, even that amount of engagement can be excessive. I find that whatever energy or attention you give them, the more they feed. When I feel ‘confused’ or when it feels like nothing this person is saying makes any sense, it’s a sign that this person is gaslighting or feeling a need to defend themselves. I find that these type of people have no interest in relating —every interaction is about the need to feel dominate and in control at any cost.
A good description of a very insecure and poisonous person. Very unfortunate. No matter how tooled up and “healed” one is, poisonous people can still cause damage. Each time, the healing process gets shorter and stronger. Hacking Narcissism is an excellent source, they have a great understanding of high level, high achieving, high functioning, very toxic manipulative and even psychologically dangerous individuals that have the ability to ruin lives. It’s been nearly 20 years since my “injury”. I studied narcissism, psychopathology and evil, processed as much as possible but still had some gnawing self doubts, like why is it I attract narcissistic types; questioning myself, getting thrown off balance by low level narcissists, etc. This group has given me the missing puzzle pieces that help complete the whole picture. To a narcissist, I’m a rare prime rib. You just might be a juicy T-bone!